akai-kun wrote:
So, something always goes wrong and sadly, I didn't put any new chapters up for a long time now. But I plan to release some after New Years Eve. Until then, enjoy this little treat and have fun.
"Blood was dripping down from his mouth on the ground, giving the floor a cold red colour. He couldn't understand why. Why did he hit him? What gain had he from seeing him dead, after such a long time their ways did cross now? And then it hit him. There never was a chance for him to win. Every step of the way was destined. Everything had been controlled, from the beginning on. He was expected to loose. He would loose, he knew it now. His time was over..."
Merry Christmas & happy New Year, see you soon~
P.S.: Comments, please. Thank you.
Editing time and as it is so short back to the lesson format.
Blood was dripping down from his mouth on the ground, giving the floor a cold red colour
'From' and 'on' are Prepositions. Your sentences if all but nouns and verb are removed reads like this
Blood was dripping, giving floor colour (Amer. would be color)
The point here is to mix it up like this
Blood from his mouth was dripping down on the ground - Part one, now for the second part
First I do not think you are using giving in the right context. The two meaning of give are (1) Freely transfer the possession of (something) to (someone); hand over to. and (2) Bestow (love, affection, or other emotional support) [Gotten from google with the search words - giving definition]. I would suggest using the word turning and remove colour as red is a color and is therefore unneeded word. That makes your first sentence this
Blood from his mouth was dripping down on the ground turning the floor a cold red. -
Next your sentences 'He couldn't understand why.' and 'Why did he hit him?'.
I would suggest combining them as both have a why in them and it might make more clear what the first 'why' is about.
He couldn't understand why he was hit.
The second he would be better as a person name like this 'He couldn't understand why James hit him', but as at the moment, the who is unknown, then it is better to leave that part out
What gain had he from seeing him dead, after such a long time their ways did cross now?
That is close to a run on and as written is very unclear. My first suggestion would be to change the first part to this
What was to be gained from his death.
Again if you had a name it would read better, so again I suggest you remove that part. This second part is a mess. First it is a fragment and, second is wordy. My suggest is to rephrase it like this
'after such a long time' and 'since their paths crossed'.
The now being understood as this should be in present tense and then rewrite this part like this
After such a long time, since their paths has crossed, what was to be gained from his death?
And then it hit him
Such a short and yet very important sentence. This sentences shows a change in the direction of thought. And while it might be okay as it is, reword a little, it takes on even more power. and then combine this to the next part. I suggest rewording it like this.
That when he knew
There never was a chance for him to win. Every step of the way was destined. Everything had been controlled, from the beginning on. He was expected to loose.
Yes, I know I might be crazy to tackle some may sentences, and yet we got the same idea in each, making this part extra wordy. I suggest you combine them.
First shorten your clauses - 'Never a chance to win', Every step destined', 'Everything controlled', He was expected to loose'
Next change loose to the correct lose and change destined to determined to keep the same idea ( Destined suggest fate, determined suggest controlled fate).
Now we put the pieces together
From the beginning, he never had a chance as every step was determined and everything was controlled.
We drop the 'expected to lose' part as it is repeating the 'never had a chance part'
and thus this part becomes
From the beginning, he never had a chance as every step was determined and everything was controlled.
And then adding the above part gives us this
That when he knew that from the beginning, he never had a chance as every step was determined and everything was controlled.
He would loose, he knew it now. His time was over..."
Again you are saying the same thing over and over. I would suggest first removing the ' he would lose' as again you just said that, and combining the last two parts like this
'He knew his time was over.
Now for all My suggestions together, and it becomes this:
Blood from his mouth was dripping down on the ground turning the floor a cold red. He couldn't understand why he was hit. After such a long time, since their paths has crossed, what was to be gained from his death? That when he knew that from the beginning, he never had a chance as every step was determined and everything was controlled. He knew his time was over.