DCTP Writing Group

[Kaito Lady]

*just got online*
sorry for getting here late guys :x

[Kaito Lady]

double posting

Review on manga's story.

I have to agree with Kor that the description of the story was done really well done and that it is indeed easy to read.

The parts of how they arm their guns, make the baits and go around the forest and the part were they gamble the price of the harpies was really well explained and told and gives the reader the sense that the writer knows what she's writing about.

I have to disagree with Kor on the point where he says that there should be conflict between the sisters.
I see it as a good opening to introduce a sad or tragic past that would explain why the older one is so protecting of the younger one.
also, I agree that they need a motivation, a reason for doing this.

the mention and introduction of the harpies was the highpoint of the story and they spark the interest to know the story of this world.
maybe you could include a small explication as to why does this world have these strange creatures and why did nobody notice a man's disappearance near the rich woman's house.
I don't know why but all that gives me the famous post-apocaliptic world feeling, it would be awesome if it was, but it could still be interesting if it was a whole new world on its own.

I hope any of this makes sense and helps you in anything

[Commi-Ninja]

My thoughts, before reading everyone else's posts:

This story is about two sisters who go on a hunt to capture harpies to sell to a collector.
The descriptions are all very good – everything about the setting, the particular quirks of the characters, like Susan checking guns by firelight, and the relationship between the sisters helps to anchor the story in a sort of reality without being overbearing. It’s clear that Tiffany looks up to Susan and wants to help out with her job, but is also a bit nervous about it, since she’s never been allowed to track with Susan before.
This brings up a question: what happened to their parents and has Susan raised Tiffany? Is Tiffany an adult or a teenager? It’s clear that Susan is old enough to behave as an adult, with a prosperous though dangerous job, but she hasn’t let Tiffany join her, suggesting she is acting as an adult in their relationship, in turn implying that Tiffany isn’t quite old enough to decide these things for herself. It works, but it probably needs to be cleared up as to what exactly made them this way. Also, how did Susan get into this business? She’s clearly very good at it and she’s clearly been doing it for quite some time. Tiffany knows about Madame, and seems to have met her before, but if she isn’t allowed to track before this point, how did that happen?
I like that you held the reason for Susan’s silence until the end – it helped build the tension in the story, as it wasn’t clear whether she was mute or annoyed or worried or something else. Tiffany already knew the reason, of course, so by her not worrying too much about it, the audience was able to keep that in mind while still wondering.
Are the creatures unusual in their world, hence Madame’s menagerie, or are they a normal part of it but no one can seem to track them down and capture them alive?


Now, after reading the posts:

I agree with KL - we don't need an explicit conflict between the sisters. There's enough implication that there's tension between them - Tiffany finally being allowed to go on the hunt while Susan is not entirely happy to let her go. You can amp up the tension from that angle if necessary, but I don't think they need to get into a fight or anything.

As for the bluntness of explaining why Susan doesn't speak, I actually liked that bit. Yes, it was in-your-face, but it was also funny. You could stick in some exposition there with Tiffany explaining how the Manticore got Susan and how Susan managed to survive.

The plot as I see it, following the catalyst-rising tension-climax-resolution formula:
Catalyst: Susan finally allows Tiffany to go on the hunt with her.
Rising tension: packing the bait, going into the forest, capturing the harpies.
Climax: selling the harpies to Madame and haggling the price - silently, hehe.
Resolution: going to hunt a male harpy with the human bait from Madame.

Speaking of, that detail was a bit disturbing, but also quite interesting. Is all of their bait human? Do they use the same bait for all the different creatures they capture?

[mangaluva]

The basis of the menagerie is a little bit Yuu Yuu Hakusho in that this is our world and the monsters exist, it's just that they tend to have habitats in areas that humans can't reach and only leave to hunt. Not all of the girls' bait is made of humans, but whenever they track a creature to its nest it's not unusual to find remains that they repurpose. The girls, and other trackers and their customers, are actually pretty amoral. They don't hunt down the creatures because they kill humans. Trackers hunt them down because customers will pay big money for them, and customers pay big money for them because have rare and exotic creatures is a big status marker, even if you can only show the best ones to certain circles of people. Some people like to show off by having a pet tiger or lion... Madame keeps harpies, mermaids, and other monsters from around the world. She also breeds them as a hobby.

Maybe I can go into more detail into this kind of stuff in the story by including the hunt for the male, and also maybe by changing the girls' interactions with Madame... I probably will make her their aunt, with the implication that her late sister was formerly a tracker who was fully funded by Madame and the two of them split the profits from selling creatures on. The girls' parents are both dead now. It's a dangerous job. Susan's about twenty-four and Tiffany is seventeen... I can probably throw casual mention of their ages into the early descriptions, actually.

This is all great stuff for knowing what works and what's missing. I'm glad that the reveal of the harpies and the personalities of the sisters came through just as I wanted them to

[Kor]

My suggestion for adding a conflict between the sisters was only an example for a potential conflict for Tiffany. I just felt Tiffany was slightly passive, so she needed some sort of conflict of her own to help establish her as the protagonist.
In the beginning we're told Tiffany is going for the first time for the Tracking. This gives the implication that Tiffany can potentially screw up something. At the end, though, Tiffany kinda screws up, but it doesn't seem there were any consequences.

While we're not promised a conflict, I felt there was an establishment for some potential conflict that didn't come into fruition.

the mention and introduction of the harpies was the highpoint of the story and they spark the interest to know the story of this world.
maybe you could include a small explication as to why does this world have these strange creatures and why did nobody notice a man's disappearance near the rich woman's house.

I kinda disagree we need an explanation on the world. Monsters simply exist is enough for me.

Maybe I can go into more detail into this kind of stuff in the story by including the hunt for the male, and also maybe by changing the girls' interactions with Madame... I probably will make her their aunt, with the implication that her late sister was formerly a tracker who was fully funded by Madame and the two of them split the profits from selling creatures on. The girls' parents are both dead now. It's a dangerous job. Susan's about twenty-four and Tiffany is seventeen... I can probably throw casual mention of their ages into the early descriptions, actually.

The ages are a bit important, yeah. Would indicate more the sort of relationship the sisters have.

I was gonna suggest that maybe one of the stuff rich people do with the monsters is use them for cockfights, but then I realized (with Madame bring already a breeder) that it would be too much like Pokemon.

[CoolKid94]

Sorry about the late reply, but I've been having Internet problems since my area just got its first major snowfall in about three years. So, about the review:

The story does very well for itself considering its length. I wasn't fully taken aback by the twist in the middle with the harpies since I've read your work before and am familiar with your interests, but the fact that the harpies came out of nowhere was still unexpected. The story was set up like a normal hunting trip with no fantastical elements implied until they, well, just appear.

As for the characters, they don't have much characterization, which for the story's length is more or less normal. I especially like the way you treated Susan's speech impediment since you don't really anticipate the actual reason for it until it's explained, which was handled very well. I agree with everyone that Tiffany should be given more to do at the climax, though.

Spoiler: List of Typos/Errors

Pg. 1 'along' should be 'alone' in first paragraph
Pg. 2 Tiffany mistakenly referred to as Susan right before the shower scene

In summary, you're a good writer and should keep it up.

[mangaluva]

Thanks a lot! This has been massively helpful and I've made a lot of changes. I'll send the edited draft to anyone who's interested, but now that it's Friday is it time for someone else's piece? Who's up next?

[Kaito Lady]

Who's up next?

^ *wonders the same*

[Kor]

That would be me.

Just editing some final pages before I send it all via email.

Speaking of which, who wants to be next week? No one (as of yet) filled the next week's slot.

EDIT: Sent the piece.

I don't want to influence your judgement before you read it for the first time, but after you read it, I do have some specific questions.

[sstimson]

suggestion. As reading others reviews can bias the review, is it possible to have the reviews posted say three days after the reading die line?

[Commi-Ninja]

What I suggest is just not reading the reviews until after you've written yours. Then it's not requiring us to post at a particular time.

[mangaluva]

Okay, so here's my thoughts as I was reading through it, followed by overall thoughts.

I giggled at the description “FLAMBOYANT SOLDIER”.

Is the battle that Azazel, Xor and Fey interrupt taking place on the same world as the school or a different one?

There’s a couple of lines that need a question mark at the end, like Dawn saying “what reason do I have to lie to you” on page 15.

Page 34—Geld says “don’t you think your exaggerating?” It should be “you’re”.

Page 35—Can Dawn remember this area because she was looking around it before, or because she remembers it from before the crystal?

Overall thoughts—it seems to dive into the action very quickly, but maybe it just seems that way as a script. Also, perhaps it’ll be clarified in later pages of the script, but I have to admit that I spent a lot of time wondering about what happened to the other children and the rest of the city. Were they all killed? I didn’t pick Ariel as the sort to abandon them if they were still alive… that said, the characterizations do come through very clearly. I get the feeling that Geld wishes he was better at magic than he is, and likes getting to show off for Dawn. The whole world around them sounds really interesting (you know me, I’m a sucker for magic and fantasy). Maybe the early scenes need some more establishment of the wider world? Either that or the scenes where Dawn is flying, with more description of the land underneath. Although I may be thinking too much in terms of a novel, where you have to describe these things, rather than a script, where the visual side will be added later.

It’s a really interesting story, though. I mean, the “find the collectible macguffins” part is a bit standard, but it’s the details of the Shedim and their history with this world, as well as Dawn and her full power, which is really interesting. (Also, I really hope that, once Dawn has all the orbs, she actually does turn into a dragon just to amuse Geld )

[Kor]

Is the battle that Azazel, Xor and Fey interrupt taking place on the same world as the school or a different one?

Yes. This is actually one of the specific scenes that kinda bother me. Originally, I wrote the scene and placed it after Dawn and Geld escape from the city, but then I decided to put it earlier in order to introduce the main antagonist (Hex) not too late. Perhaps taking that "warzone" scene back to its original location would be better because then there wouldn't be a feeling of mild disconnection, plus I do have Tanzanite and Yurei get introduced around page 5 too, so it's not like I don't have part of the villains appear.

I think I actually just might change the location of that warzone thing, but I'll wait for some more feedback on that.

Page 35—Can Dawn remember this area because she was looking around it before, or because she remembers it from before the crystal?

It's because she was looking around it before.

Overall thoughts—it seems to dive into the action very quickly, but maybe it just seems that way as a script.

That's partially because I try to stick to the Hero's Journey structure, but also probably because I only have 120 pages for this script.

Also, perhaps it’ll be clarified in later pages of the script, but I have to admit that I spent a lot of time wondering about what happened to the other children and the rest of the city.

That will indeed be clarified later.

Spoiler: dunno if you care about spoilers, so just in case

They're alright. I want to reveal that later in order to cause some suspense, and more importantly, the unsureness of Geld's friends is a mini plot point, thus revealing their fate to the audience early on might undermine Geld's conflict.

Maybe the early scenes need some more establishment of the wider world? Either that or the scenes where Dawn is flying, with more description of the land underneath. Although I may be thinking too much in terms of a novel, where you have to describe these things, rather than a script, where the visual side will be added later.

As it is, I feel there's already way too much description and actions for the medium of a screenplay. But if I see at the end (after editing everything) that I still have some extra space, I could probably add one or two establishing shots.

[CoolKid94]

Wow...hardly anybody else has replied? Guess the group is having a rough week or something.

Anyways, about Kor's screenplay. This is just a disclaimer, but I have much less experience with editing screenplays than normal short stories, so feel free to take the following with a grain of salt.

The characters: Most of the characters seemed to be well thought out and have good personalities, from what I can tell. Hex seems appropriately evil while Dawn is the exact opposite, young and naiive. Well, naiive as an amnesiac can get, anyways. This is just an observation, but Dawn reminds me a LOT of Eilonwy from The Prydain Chronicles by Lloyd Alexander. Maybe it's just me, though.

The story itself seems solid enough. The descriptions are a bit lacking, but since it's a screenplay and not a novel, they don't have to be. I am curious about what happened with the bad guys in the past, though. You'd think that after their defeat, Dawn's memory wouldn't have been wiped since she would know how to defeat them. But then again, that wouldn't make for an interesting story, would it?

You have obviously spend a lot of time on this, since you've thought out the plot and the character interactions thoroughly, not to mention the lack of typos. Keep up the good work!


For the group in general, I have a big project that I've been working on for a while, but it still needs a lot of work before I can even consider sharing it. I don't really write short stories now, but I might start some before long which I'll eventually submit. So look forward for that and I apologize for not having anything right now.

[Commi-Ninja]

I haven't got around to reading it yet, sorry! Things have been a little crazy this week between work and homework, but I'll try and get to it this weekend.