Hey, I finally caught up! (Sorry it took so long.)
I'm breaking this down into spoiler boxes to make it easier to find your comments.
Kor:[spoiler=Shedim]I was a little confused at first because I didn't realize (until I went back and re-read your email) that it was part of something longer. I wasn't clear on whether this was the beginning, though, or somewhere in the middle. I think it works fine as a beginning, opening with Ariel and Geld. Essentially, what I understand is that Geld has to free this guardian, Dawn, in order to defeat Azazel and his minions, but when Dawn wakes, she doesn't have her memories or her power. I assume the rest of the screenplay is about Geld and Dawn finding the other orb and the one the guy stole so they can defeat Azazel.
Overall, I think it's a pretty interesting concept, and a good beginning. I liked that I could tell which child was speaking without having to read every tag to figure it out, as well as most of the other characters. There was only one instance where it was difficult for me: near the end, between Azazel and his minions, I kept losing track of who was who. Obviously, this wouldn't necessarily be an issue for a screenplay, as there's a visual aid.
The interactions between Geld and Dawn were a bit awkward at first, as Geld was trying to get her to save everyone without paying attention to what she was actually saying. For their first meeting, that's not too surprising, especially since Geld was probably in a panic. They were being attacked after all.
I wouldn't mind reading more of it (or all of it) to get the full story.[/spoiler]
mangaluva:[spoiler=The Black Void]In summary, there are three cat-girls and one dog-boy who must retrieve a demon-possessed artifact from an exhibit, then destroy it. In the process they are attacked by another demon and must kill it before humans show up. Once this is done, they submerge the artifact to expel the demon.
I like the concept of a forum of animal-people who travel the world and hunt demons, and the shapeshifting they do. (Though I imagine that would be pretty annoying for Biancashark when she's not near water... speaking of, would that work if she's in a lake and not an ocean? Not that it matters for the context of this story; I'm just curious.) I like the scene in the museum where they're tricking the security guard so one of the other girls can get the artifact out. I'm also curious about the Dance. What is it, what does it do, what is it that scared Alf so much?
I had trouble keeping track of which girl was which, they all sound so much alike. I didn't know whether that was intentional, because they're sisters, or what. I understood that they all had different abilities and were different types of cats, I just couldn't always remember who was supposed to be who. For me, it would be easier if their voices were a bit more distinct.[/spoiler]
CoolKid:[spoiler=The Search for the Scrolls]It starts off with a queen dropping off a baby girl, who turns out not to be human at all, to someone with whom she has made a deal, and somehow this girl and her twin are extremely important, as they're the last of their kind. Then it jumps to Steve, a boy at the beginning of his high school career. He has a connection with the person for whom he is grading/peer-editing an essay, though he doesn't know who she is in person. There is an incident on the school bus involving racial tension, and Steve and Hannah get involved and end up in the police station. They bond over their shared experience and their English papers, and eventually Hannah asks Steve to join her on her mission. She works for the police, sort of, and Steve's father, who is a policeman, is strangely okay with Steve helping Hannah. They're trying to bust a counterfeiting operation. They get into the warehouse/building and snoop around, but have to quickly hide when the gang members return.
I was thinking that somehow Hannah and Steve are the twins from the beginning, especially considering their shared paper topic out of the blue like that and similar personalities. I'm interested to see how they're connected to the queen and the events of the prologue. I didn't understand why Steve's dad was so okay with Steve going with Hannah to get the evidence of counterfeiting. As a police officer himself, I can't imagine he would be okay with his son putting himself in that kind of potential danger. Especially when his only backup is another teenager and Steve is only fourteen (I'm assuming). Logically, it doesn't make sense.
I didn't like that the editing scene was so long. There was nothing going on, really, no tension. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, so I don't know how potentially important it is for establishing the characters, but it could be summarized a bit more or made more active. Sitting at a computer typing, regardless of what is going on in one's head, is pretty passive. Maybe someone in class is making a ruckus or maybe the computers all spontaneously crash and everyone loses all their work. Something to propel the characters into action.[/spoiler]
Last edited by Commi-Ninja
on May 27th, 2014, 12:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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I might wake up early and go running. I also might wake up and win the lottery. The odds are about the same.