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I have a short fanfic I'm looking for feedback on, hoping that someone here will be more helpful than the other two places I've posted it. Its very loosely based on Detective Conan, with Conan being one of the few characters actualy in the story. I'm not normaly a writer so go easy on me, just point out if I've misspelled a name or have any obvious grammer problems.
The first character, Snake, is mine and somewhat hard to explain though I will if someone asks. Otherwise any Detective Conan fan should know the other characters mentioned. (The reason for reversing Shinichi's name and not using honorifics, I know many fanfic authors would use them, is because I'm easily confused by the honorifics and even more by the last name first thing.)
There is one other of my characters mentioned, Blue. He is even harder to explain than Snake and requires her explanation for anything about him to make sense.

Other than that all I have to say is please read. (I've edited it a bit because of sstimson's post, added better spacing and such, but I'll leave off changing the end for now.)
Snake sighed and flopped lightly onto one of the two couches in the Mori Detective Agency. It hadn’t been that long since the portal had thrown her into this world but it felt like it was taking forever for her time serpent to find her.

A simple trip to another time, that was all this should have been. But instead her trip had landed her on top of Shinichi Kudou and the man named Gin right in the middle of the worst moment possible. After she had knocked herself senseless, it was quite the fall, and Gin had figured out exactly what happened, Snake found the very same poison that Shinichi had just been fed being forced into her mouth.

‘If it hadn’t been for Blue I’d never have survived that.' She thought sighing again, her alien counterpart always saved her even if he didn’t know he’d done it.  Looking out the window at the elusive sky she wondered if she really had been saved. That day as the poison shrunk her body it also shrank the Kohasian form within her. Still able to transform she had immediately switched only to find herself even tinier, she had become a tiny, flightless, and nearly helpless pup. It hadn’t been easy to follow Shinichi on four tiny paws, and it was even harder to convince him to let her hang around while he worked on finding Gin and his partner, but she had and now here she was playing the part of Conan’s adopted sister.

As she sighed a third time Shinichi, aka Conan, opened the door to the office and found her. Conan eyed the girl laying on the couch and thought about going back upstairs instead of entering the room, but after seeing the haunted look on her face he decided it was time to do something about her. There was only so long anyone could stand having someone so gloomy around. Conan had an idea of what might help so he quickly hunted out his soccer ball and returned to the room.
“Come with me.â€

A simple request. Please in the future put at least one blank line between paragraphs as it makes it easier to read. I have done so for you here.

[quote="SnakeBlue"]
I have a short fanfic I'm looking for feedback on, hoping that someone here will be more helpful than the other two places I've posted it. Its very loosely based on Detective Conan, with Conan being one of the few characters actualy in the story. I'm not normaly a writer so go easy on me, just point out if I've misspelled a name or have any obvious grammer problems.
The first character, Snake, is mine and somewhat hard to explain though I will if someone asks. Otherwise any Detective Conan fan should know the other characters mentioned. (The reason for reversing Shinichi's name and not using honorifics, I know many fanfic authors would use them, is because I'm easily confused by the honorifics and even more by the last name first thing.)
There is one other of my characters mentioned, Blue. He is even harder to explain than Snake and requires her explanation for anything about him to make sense.

Other than that all I have to say is please read.
Snake sighed and flopped lightly onto one of the two couches in the Mori Detective Agency. It hadn’t been that long since the portal had thrown her into this world but it felt like it was taking forever for her time serpent to find her.

A simple trip to another time, that was all this should have been. But instead her trip had landed her on top of Shinichi Kudou and the man named Gin right in the middle of the worst moment possible. After she had knocked herself senseless, it was quite the fall, and Gin had figured out exactly what happened, Snake found the very same poison that Shinichi had just been fed being forced into her mouth.

‘If it hadn’t been for Blue I’d never have survived that.' She thought sighing again, her alien counterpart always saved her even if he didn’t know he’d done it.  Looking out the window at the elusive sky she wondered if she really had been saved. That day as the poison shrunk her body it also shrank the Kohasian form within her. Still able to transform she had immediately switched only to find herself even tinier, she had become a tiny, flightless, and nearly helpless pup. It hadn’t been easy to follow Shinichi on four tiny paws, and it was even harder to convince him to let her hang around while he worked on finding Gin and his partner, but she had and now here she was playing the part of Conan’s adopted sister.

As she sighed a third time Shinichi, aka Conan, opened the door to the office and found her. Conan eyed the girl laying on the couch and thought about going back upstairs instead of entering the room, but after seeing the haunted look on her face he decided it was time to do something about her. There was only so long anyone could stand having someone so gloomy around. Conan had an idea of what might help so he quickly hunted out his soccer ball and returned to the room.

“Come with me.â€

it worked better in Word than it did here, I'll remember that for next time.
thanks for the editing, I can't always tell where commas should and shouldn't be.

I've taken your sugestions for the comma placement and some of the word changes, but some of it would change how the characters speak and my word program didn't like the grammer of one sentance.

nice ones......

after reading yours... i think i;ll put mine.. ( i got the idea for some times.. but you and some others gave me a courage

xpon wrote: nice ones......

after reading yours... i think i;ll put mine.. ( i got the idea for some times.. but you and some others gave me a courage

aw, glad to know I could help. (took most of my courage just to join the forum and the rest of it to post the story.)

SnakeBlue wrote:

xpon wrote: nice ones......

after reading yours... i think i;ll put mine.. ( i got the idea for some times.. but you and some others gave me a courage

aw, glad to know I could help. (took most of my courage just to join the forum and the rest of it to post the story.)

but... knowing that someone read our works ( while we think it was a little bit better than a trash make us happy right? he he he)

xpon wrote:

SnakeBlue wrote:

xpon wrote: nice ones......

after reading yours... i think i;ll put mine.. ( i got the idea for some times.. but you and some others gave me a courage

aw, glad to know I could help. (took most of my courage just to join the forum and the rest of it to post the story.)

but... knowing that someone read our works ( while we think it was a little bit better than a trash make us happy right? he he he)

I never thought mine was bad, I just can't get any of the people who watch me on deviantART to say anything useful. (if they ever speak up at all I'm lucky.)

yup...

your's is good..

i mean mine... sorry... ha ha ha

Try posting on "fanfiction .net" instead of deviantart.  It's hard to find readers on deviantart I feel.

I find it easier to read after sstimson's edit.  Thank you for that : ]


You're awesome for posting your work up here.  Try to work on making your English a little easier to understand.  I'm curious to where this goes.  Good luck with this fanfic

kirite wrote: Try posting on "fanfiction .net" instead of deviantart.  It's hard to find readers on deviantart I feel.

I find it easier to read after sstimson's edit.  Thank you for that : ]


You're awesome for posting your work up here.  Try to work on making your English a little easier to understand.  I'm curious to where this goes.  Good luck with this fanfic

it was kinda a oneshot, I wasn't planning to write more. I'm not normaly a writer, I'm an artist most of the time. if people are interested enough to want more I could try, there are more connected stories, but they won't be in order.
(it was kinda my first post and I wasn't sure how long the program would allow a post to be, learning the system and all.)

xpon wrote: yup...

your's is good..

i mean mine... sorry... ha ha ha

yours isn't bad either, unless you mean something other than the one labled CHIISANA TANTEI-KUN! by XP_On. its cute

[quote="SnakeBlue"]

Snake scrambled up and struggled back into her clothes, only changing back to human once she was sure they were positioned right.  â€œLets’ go.â€

[quote="sstimson"]
[quote="SnakeBlue"]

Snake scrambled up and struggled back into her clothes, only changing back to human once she was sure they were positioned right.  â€œLets’ go.â€

SnakeBlue wrote:

xpon wrote: yup...

your's is good..

i mean mine... sorry... ha ha ha

yours isn't bad either, unless you mean something other than the one labled CHIISANA TANTEI-KUN! by XP_On. its cute

that my first and my only fan fic.

thanks

xpon wrote:

SnakeBlue wrote:

xpon wrote: yup...

your's is good..

i mean mine... sorry... ha ha ha

yours isn't bad either, unless you mean something other than the one labled CHIISANA TANTEI-KUN! by XP_On. its cute

that my first and my only fan fic.

thanks

your welcome. don't be quite so hard on yourself about it, your never as bad as you think.