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i had started a fanfic and wrote two chapters but noone is reading it. i'm starting to thing the ideas me and steph had for it went bad. anyone have any ideas or think the can help with feedback? heres a pic for others if they want to help

First of all, where in the net did you post it?  the pic made me get interested...

Yoru: Is it just me or is that a bachelor party? I wanna join!!!

...Oh, shut it. You're a minor.

Don't worry, I'll give some feedback as soon as I read it. 

ziraulo wrote: First of all, where in the net did you post it?  the pic made me get interested...

Yoru: Is it just me or is that a bachelor party? I wanna join!!!

...Oh, shut it. You're a minor.

Don't worry, I'll give some feedback as soon as I read it. 

this is mt profile with all my fanfics

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2139924/Anita-Hailey

Nobody has been reading it because your grammar is horrible.  I don't mean to be rude, but it's true.  I love your picture, though.

Sakina wrote: Nobody has been reading it because your grammar is horrible.  I don't mean to be rude, but it's true.  I love your picture, though.

oh, i'm working on it. i can't type well

Akemi~chan wrote:

Sakina wrote: Nobody has been reading it because your grammar is horrible.  I don't mean to be rude, but it's true.  I love your picture, though.

oh, i'm working on it. i can't type well

Heh, don't worry about it and just keep practicing. English grammar is hell on Earth.  You might want to work on your capitalization first.  O.o

Akemi~chan wrote:

Sakina wrote: Nobody has been reading it because your grammar is horrible.  I don't mean to be rude, but it's true.  I love your picture, though.

oh, i'm working on it. i can't type well

how about you forget to write fan fic... and start DRAWING manga... ha ha ha...

from WRITER to MANGAKA

just like takagi akito ( Bakuman )

I tried to redline your story for you but I figured it'd just be best to make a list of things you need to work on.
1. Each new sentence does not need its own paragraph so don't press enter after every sentence.  Paragraphs normally consist of about 5 sentences.  Since you say you're majoring in English literature, start reading some books and see how some of your favorite authors handle different paragraphs.  Some are very strict about making sure each paragraph has multiple sentences (most older literature) while some use one line or even only one word in a paragraph (for example, Michael Crichton does that for dramatic effect).  
2. Capitalization.  The first letter of the first word of every sentence should be capitalized.  The first letter of all names should also be capitalized.  
3. Commas are not the magic fix-all of grammar.  You shouldn't use so many without proper knowledge of how to handle them.  If anything, improper use of commas make a paper even harder to read.  Commas are hard to use so I recommend looking up some of the rules to using them.  Make sure to learn what a comma splice is and how to avoid it.  

Once you get the grammar down I am sure it will be a wonderful story.  :D

xpon wrote:

Akemi~chan wrote:

Sakina wrote: Nobody has been reading it because your grammar is horrible.  I don't mean to be rude, but it's true.  I love your picture, though.

oh, i'm working on it. i can't type well

how about you forget to write fan fic... and start DRAWING manga... ha ha ha...

from WRITER to MANGAKA

just like takagi akito ( Bakuman )

.......i have tried manga first.  i couldn't keept the panels in order,the writing was all over the place and it always ended up wrong

Gotta agree with Sakina, especially about paragraphing. You don't need to paragraph after every sentance, but you DO need to start a new paragraph when someone new starts talking. I was looking at "No Time For Second Chances":

"Yusaku, aren t you forgetting something important?" " Your birthday? No that was two months ago ".. Yusaku sounded exasperated.

When Yuusaku starts talking should be a new paragraph. Two people don't talk together in the same paragraph. There are commas in odd places too.

I suggest reading a LOT. I know english grammar is incredibly difficult, and really best picked up by assimilation. Read a lot of books, pay close attention to grammar and punctuation, and you're best to have someone read over your fics before publishing them. Often small mistakes in grammar and spelling are more noticeable to a second set of eyes.

Gah! Sorry I'm so late, but we lost internet connection for three frikin' days...

Anyway, you wrote that many already?!? No wonder you're asking for readers! My fave would be "Of Pentacles and Tea Leaves". Now that's a good HAkako fic.  Now for the tips.

1. You should really let your readers know the difference between narration, thoughts and speech.

2. Fix your paragraphs. Especially on "No Time for second chances".

3. Grammar and spelling. A pain in the ass, yes (Since sometimes when I post my fics I'm like "My goodness! Where the heck did that spelling/grammar mistake come from?"), but some readers really love flaming people with wrong grammar and spelling. Also, some people get discouraged in reading when they see a lot of it.

I had more to say, but the others already have said it. Hope it helps.