"In Pursuit of Justice" (Miaka's Ayumi Story)

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miakakiri
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"In Pursuit of Justice" (Miaka's Ayumi Story)

Post by miakakiri »

Ok, so I figured I'd post at least the first scene here, to see if maybe I can get some feedback on it.... perhaps also to see if anyone might be willing to beta? I will get the first chapter up on FF.N as soon as I can manage to actually get it finished. ~_~* It's....being difficult.
Spoiler: Scene One
    Ayumi stopped to look at the fancy black car parked by the curb. Conan-kun and Ai-chan did not seem to like black cars, but this one looked pretty cool. She pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of it before turning to enter her building.

    It wasn't until she stepped off the elevator on her own floor that Ayumi realized something was wrong. The hallway felt darker than normal; it looked like a couple of the lights had gone out and not been replaced yet. That's weird... On edge now, Ayumi crept carefully closer to her door, pulling out her phone again just in case. Open? she drew up short. Why would the door be open?  For the door of the Yoshida apartment was indeed ajar. Ka-san and Tou-san ALWAYS close the door... who could have left it open? Trying to think of what Conan-kun would do in this situation, Ayumi moved carefully up to the door and edged it open just a little farther, just enough so that she could peer in around the edge of the door. What she saw in the couple minutes that followed would change her entire world.

    "Aniki. It's all set." The voice seemed to belong to a large man who wore a hat and sunglasses, even though it was evening already and he was inside. "Wherever they hid the information, it won't survive."

    "Your time is up, woman." The long-haired man informed Yoshida Harumi. Satoshi lay on the floor next to her in a spreading pool of blood.

    The setting sun shone on Harumi's face, turning her tears to blood-red drops that sparkled like fire as they burned down her cheeks. "You WILL be caught," she told the man, setting her jaw and refusing to give in to the fear, even though he had a gun pointed directly at her heart. Her daughter wasn't home; all she could do was hope that they would not find Ayumi. Oneesan, I have to ask you to take care of her now. I hope you at least know what happened to your son. Ayumi-chan, I'm sorry. I pray that you'll find a way to catch these bastards.

    Ayumi held up her phone, setting the camera function on to get a picture, having already checked that the flash and sound were off. Maybe she couldn't do anything to save her parents, but Conan-kun would help her catch these bad guys. If Ayumi can get a picture, maybe it will help to catch them.

    "No one even knows that we exist." The man's voice was colder than ice, his left hand perfectly steady as he held the cocked and ready gun, for just a moment more, making it clear to the woman that she had no more chance for vengeance than she did for survival.

    Ayumi took a picture just as he fired the gun, watching for only a couple more seconds as her mother fell, her blood mixing with the spreading pool of Satoshi's blood, and the man in the sunglasses started a fire, before darting away.

    Ayumi crashed through the door into the stairwell, nearly blinded by tears, but determined to escape and see the bad men pay for killing her parents. She half-ran, half-tumbled down the stairs for two floors before realizing that the elevator might actually be safer. Darting into the hall, she pressed the elevator call button and hid behind a decorative plant while she waited for the elevator to show up. When it arrived, the elevator was as empty and bright as the hallway, and she quickly got in, pushing the button for the lobby and moving to the back corner. Conan-kun can help me catch them....what if they SAW me? I should go to the police first... but what would I tell them? Would they even believe me? Even Satou-keiji or Takagi-keiji? No, I'll go to Conan-kun first. Ran-oneesan will help. Maybe I can stay there.

    Ayumi ran out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened, rushing out the front door of the building. The black car was still out front, but now she didn't stop to admire it. The only thing she could think about right now was getting to the Mouri Detective Agency. Ran-oneesan would help her. Conan-kun would help make the bad guys pay. He was always catching bad guys, and sometimes Ayumi got to help. She'd make sure he let her help this time. It was only fair. She didn't notice anything about the streets she ran through, nor did she notice the tears flowing down her face. She simply ran, darting through the crowds of people headed home, determined to make it safely to her chosen destination.
Please note that this is (pretty much) entirely from Ayumi's perspective. She has no idea what's going on or what happened, so while I DO have an explanation for how things went down and little odd details, that's not going in here. Some of them MAY come out later on in the story, some details will probably never be discovered. Use your imagination to supply explanations that are absent here. :p
Last edited by miakakiri on May 11th, 2011, 4:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I have finally started to actually publish my story! For the moment, expect a new chapter each month.

The Case of the Midnight Channel
"When a strange letter summons the Mouri family to Inaba, Ran is expecting a case. She's not expecting it to involve the TV, though.
If Naoto investigated everyone who came to visit Inaba, she'd have little time for real cases. When Yukiko reports that the Midnight Channel is back, however, she starts to wonder if the visitors are connected. Especially when the image clears, unveiling yet another mystery."

Short version: I'm taking various DC/MK characters to Inaba (where Persona 4 takes place) and dropping them through the TV to face their Shadows!
Cross-posted:Case of the Midnight Channel at Archive of our Own.
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Re: "In Pursuit of Justice" (Miaka's Ayumi Story)

Post by Arisana »

Good job so far. What you've written is not bad. It's a pleasant combination of showing and telling. Your imagery and metaphors are lovely descriptors.

(You'd probably get better feedback from someone who is better at writing than I am, but if you don't mind some feedback for me, then...)

I imagine it would be nice if you added to Ayumi's feelings and body language. You do have a nice combination of both showing and telling information when it comes to actions, but Ayumi's emotions are a bit lacking in the narrative. She's shown to the reader to be nervous through her clumsy actions and rushed thoughts, which is good, but maybe more of it would be nice in a situation such as this one? Or perhaps try adding details about other senses that Ayumi might be experiencing in that scene/those scenes.

A last point is more or less unnecessary, but I would recommend spacing out your paragraphs a bit. It's possible to see where your paragraphs are ending and beginning, but since there is no indent, spacing out paragraphs could be an alternative to make reading easier.

(Feel free to ignore anything I just said. There's a chance that I don't even know what I'm talking about. But otherwise, good job on writing this. I hope to see you continue.)
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A Detective Conan & Magic Kaito Role Playing Game.

Characters particularly wanted for the RPG: Edogawa Conan/Kudo Shinichi, Mouri Ran, Haibara Ai/Miyano Shiho Mouri Kogoro, Jodie Starling, Hattori Heiji, Toyama Kazuha, Satou Miwako, Takagi Wataru, Kir, Snake and Gin.

Many other canon positions are available too.
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miakakiri
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Re: "In Pursuit of Justice" (Miaka's Ayumi Story)

Post by miakakiri »

Ok, I haven't gotten much response... but I figure maybe if I post a little more of it, so here's the next piece of scene...
I tried to fix the formatting issue a little (I will also go back and fix the formatting on the first bit in the same fashion). The initial formatting is just the way the forum works.... And if it doesn't work out correctly, then it doesn't work out correctly. ~_~* Spacing it manually is kinda frustrating.
Spoiler: Scene Two?
    The spicy scent of fresh curry emanated from the kitchen, and the last blood-red rays of light from the setting sun were just fading from the apartment windows as Conan brought plates and napkins out to set the table.

    Bang! Bang!

    Conan looked up from setting the table to stare at the door. Did occhan forget his keys again? That’s odd, he just left… maybe half an hour ago.
"Coming!" Ran called, hurrying out of the kitchen to open the door. "Ayumi-chan!" Ran dropped to her knees and caught the sobbing child in her arms. "What... why... are you alright, Ayumi-chan?"

    What? Conan dropped the plates on the table with a soft clatter and came over to check. Sure enough, there was Ayumi-chan, bawling in Ran's arms. She still had her backpack on. "Ayumi-chan? What happened?" He moved to help her get the backpack off, figuring that wasn't going to help anything and would just get in the way. Perhaps there was something important in it; they'd have to check that out later.

    Ayumi tried to answer, but she couldn't stop crying long enough to say anything. Realizing this, Ran picked her up, kicked the door closed with her foot, and brought Ayumi over to the table, where she settled the little girl into her lap and held her.

    "Conan-kun, can you go turn off the stove please? I'll serve the curry as soon as she calms down enough to eat. Ayumi-chan, it's OK, you're alright. Shh, shhh, it's alright." Ran pulled her close, rubbing her back soothingly, trying to help her calm down, and hoping that Ayumi would be able to tell her what was wrong. Something certainly seems to have scared her...

    "Hai," Conan left to do as he was bid, calling over his shoulder "Ayumi-chan, whatever happened, you're safe now." I promise. I'll make sure of it.
Ayumi nodded, still crying, and pulled out her phone. She pushed the camera button and shoved the open phone at Ran's hand. Can't talk, but... you'll understand.

    "What... your phone?" Ran was confused, but accepted the phone. "Oh, the camera..." she switched to look at the last picture that Ayumi had taken, and nearly dropped the phone, her eyes going wide. "Th-that person... he was on the roller-coaster with us... Shinichi thought he was suspicious... oh, no, Ayumi-chan, you're tied up in whatever case has been keeping Shinichi away all this time, aren't you?" Ran hugged Ayumi closer, stroking the girl's back in an attempt to comfort her. "And that was your mom he was shooting at, wasn't it? They took away your parents..." Ran was fighting not to cry herself. Shinichi, why haven't you caught them yet? You've been gone for so long... this isn't normal, it isn't right, it isn't good... you're in danger, aren't you? And that's why you won't come back, and why you always tell the police to keep your name out of things the few times you do turn up... and now Ayumi-chan is mixed up in this whole sorry mess... she doesn't deserve this...

    "What about Shinichi-niichan?" Conan asked, returning from the kitchen. What would Shinichi have to do with whatever happened to Ayumi-chan to make her cry like this?

    Ran set the phone on the table and pushed it closer to him. "The man in that photo is one of the people Shinichi was interested in on the last case before he disappeared." I'm pretty sure that he was following them that night when he left.

    Conan looked at the picture and froze, instantly recognizing Gin. A shadow behind him might be Vodka. There was a bleeding body on the floor, and Gin's gun was in the middle of firing, point-blank range, at a woman Conan recognized as Ayumi's mother. Kuso... how the hell did she get involved in this??

    "Conan-kun? What's wrong? Ayumi-chan's gotten involved in Shinichi's case, hasn't she... and you know something about it." It wasn't a question. Ran was staring at him, still soothing Ayumi with her hands, but her attention focused on Conan. "Tell me, please? What's wrong? How can I help?" PLEASE let me help. Let me do something. I can't just sit here, not after seeing that. I want to do something to help, but at the moment the only thing I can see to do is sit here and hold Ayumi-chan... that'll help her, but it's not helping Shinichi...

    Conan shook his head, saying nothing, and pulled out his phone. "Ran-neechan, we have enough curry for at least five people, right? I'm going to call Hakase and ask if he and Haibara want to come over." She's going to be pissed, but I have to tell her. And I'll probably need Hakase's help. I should call Jodie-sensei too, but not right now. Deal with that later.

    "What? Why? Conan-kun!" but Ran's protests were a little late, Conan had already run to the room he shared with Kogoro to get his phone.

    Ran frowned at Conan as he left the room, then turned her attention back to the child in her arms. "The woman in the picture, that was your mother, wasn't it, Ayumi-chan?"

    The little girl nodded, still crying too hard to talk.

    "That man killed her. And your dad? Is he gone too?" Another nod. "The same way?

    Ayumi nodded a third time, sniffling, still trying to get her tears under control.


    "They didn't hurt you, did they?" Ran was saying as Conan came back into the main room. Please don't let them have hurt her. I still need to find these guys and kick their asses for killing her parents, though. And for whatever they did to Shinichi to keep him away for so long.

    Ayumi shook her head, finally getting a little control over her tears, enough that should could talk a bit, though her speech was still spotted with sniffling. "N-no. Ayumi doesn't think they even s-saw her."

    "I really hope they didn't see you, Ayumi-chan," Conan commented as he resumed his seat next to Ran, who had Ayumi in her lap. Really really hope They didn't see you. If you were followed at all, we're in a lot of trouble.

    "You ran all the way here, though, didn't you?"

    Ayumi nodded. "D-didn't want them to c-catch Ayumi."

    Ran nodded. "Did you fall down at all? Let me check you over and make sure you're not all scraped up. Conan-kun, could you go get the first aid kit, just in case?"

    "Sure, Ran-neechan." As Conan left to get the first aid kit from the bathroom, Ran shifted Ayumi around in her lap so that she could look at the little girl's hands and knees.

    "A-Ayumi fell on the stairs... maybe... don't remember more falls... but maybe."

    "Well, you certainly fell at least once, Ayumi-chan," Ran noted, looking at Ayumi's badly scraped knees. "We'll get this washed up and put band-aids on them, OK? Does it hurt?"

    "A... a little. Ayumi didn't notice before..."

    "You were too busy focusing on getting here, Ayumi-chan. The human body has a habit of blocking out pain when there is something more important to be dealt with," Conan commented as he came back with the first aid kit and a damp washcloth. "I figured you might need this if she had any scrapes, Ran-neechan." He handed the first aid  kit to Ran, then settled himself next to her again, gently running the cloth over Ayumi's knees.

    "Th-thanks, Conan-kun," Ayumi tried to smile at him, but it was rather watery.

    Ran hugged her a little tighter. "It's OK, Ayumi. You can cry. I know it hurts. We'll make your knees better, and then your hands better. You're safe now and it's going to be alright." I'll make sure it's alright.

    Ayumi started to tear up again. "Ran-oneesan... y-you sound like okaasan."

    Is that a good thing or a bad thing, I wonder? Ran thought. "Shhh... we'll get band-aids on so it doesn't hurt as much, OK?"

    Ayumi nodded, cuddling closer to Ran as Conan finished with her knees and moved to gently wash the heels of her hands, which were also a little scraped.
I have finally started to actually publish my story! For the moment, expect a new chapter each month.

The Case of the Midnight Channel
"When a strange letter summons the Mouri family to Inaba, Ran is expecting a case. She's not expecting it to involve the TV, though.
If Naoto investigated everyone who came to visit Inaba, she'd have little time for real cases. When Yukiko reports that the Midnight Channel is back, however, she starts to wonder if the visitors are connected. Especially when the image clears, unveiling yet another mystery."

Short version: I'm taking various DC/MK characters to Inaba (where Persona 4 takes place) and dropping them through the TV to face their Shadows!
Cross-posted:Case of the Midnight Channel at Archive of our Own.
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Schillok
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Re: "In Pursuit of Justice" (Miaka's Ayumi Story)

Post by Schillok »

You are publishing this on FF.net right? I will read it properly and comment on it there once I have enough time...

But I really liked reading it so far.
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miakakiri
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Re: "In Pursuit of Justice" (Miaka's Ayumi Story)

Post by miakakiri »

Schillok wrote: You are publishing this on FF.net right? I will read it properly and comment on it there once I have enough time...

But I really liked reading it so far.
I will be posting this on FF.N as I get each chapter finished. Right now, though, chapter one is quite stuck. ~_~* I figured I'd put up bits that I do have on here, see if I can get some initial feedback....
I have finally started to actually publish my story! For the moment, expect a new chapter each month.

The Case of the Midnight Channel
"When a strange letter summons the Mouri family to Inaba, Ran is expecting a case. She's not expecting it to involve the TV, though.
If Naoto investigated everyone who came to visit Inaba, she'd have little time for real cases. When Yukiko reports that the Midnight Channel is back, however, she starts to wonder if the visitors are connected. Especially when the image clears, unveiling yet another mystery."

Short version: I'm taking various DC/MK characters to Inaba (where Persona 4 takes place) and dropping them through the TV to face their Shadows!
Cross-posted:Case of the Midnight Channel at Archive of our Own.
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